Eurovision 2023 Review: Sweet And Bitter.

Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to come up with. Such as a title for a blogpost. So many possibilities, so many puns. But only one question: were we really united by music? The answer is surprisingly unclear, even three weeks after the final (which is when this review finally sees the light of day). But the aftertaste is clear as a spring day in June.

It’s a nice mission statement, isn’t it? United By Music. It’s the shortest and ultimate description of the reason why Eurovision exists, and it’s sad to realize that even after 67 years it has to be stated this explicitly. Or is it the most joyous expression of humanity finding each other despite differences and literal wars that are still being fought out? Sweet and bitter…and bittersweet.

Which also goes for ESC landing in Liverpool instead of (presumably) Kyiv. Bitter for obvious reasons. Sweet because this means Auntie Beeb (the term of endearment for the BBC, do catch up) got to organize it again. And the 1998 edition, the most recent one the UK got to organize, is still all the proof we need that the BBC is the benchmark for treating us to a great edition. Despite SVT desperately trying to dethrone them.

The show

And thus we got a blend of UK and Ukraine. Which in theory sounds like a bit of a weird mix, but as per usual weird only turns out to be another way of saying wonderful. The way Ukraine and its quite successful track record in Eurovision remained central throughout the festivities was subtle yet remarkable, and so was the British touch in humor and set-up.

The stage wasn’t too lavish in design, with 2017 as the clearest of recent references. It’s still way too large though. Some acts managed to fill it anyway, but most drowned in either convoluted staging ideas or simply way too much space. The LED walls provided plenty of flexibility, but in terms of size we might need to reign everything back in because some acts were really tiny or felt empty. Or had to run really fast to get to the mark – just ask Verka & co, who weren’t only lip-syncing but also sprinting for their lives.

And speaking of interval acts: all were quite lovely, but the Liverpool Songbook turned out a bit more eyebrow-raising than anticipated. Not only the names that were chosen to perform the tribute to some genuine classics, which probably depended on a mix of wanting to do it and the agendas allowing it, with most notably Cornelia Jakobs drawing out a ‘hu?’. The selection of songs was also slightly flabbergasting. While ‘I Turn To You’ was a nice surprise, Melanie C is and always will be a goddess, there were the likes of ‘Whole Again’, which admittedly suits Dadi’s cult status, and ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ that felt rather awkward. The latter is a football anthem turned world peace chant that generated so much cheese the smell almost came through the screen. Especially with everyone joining Duncan on stage at the end. All we are saying is give peace a chance, yes, but hold the sugar please. Sweet and bitter, you got it.

And if you thought we were done compromising, we haven’t even covered the postcards yet! Not that there’s anything special to report, it was just a tad too much of a good thing. Trying to squeeze three different locations ànd the participating artist(s) into a mere 40 seconds made it a tad chaotic. Just a tad. And aesthetically I do wonder if the animators actually meant for them to look like a close-up of the Corona virus?

Luckily the hosts managed to steer clear of any kind of chaos. Unless you count Hannah Waddingham who brought us just a smidge of chaos in the best possible way. She’s Ulrika Johnson’s heir and filled those shoes with splendor. Aleesha Dixon is always a splash of joy to behold, and those raps will forever remain as impressive as they were unexpected. Julia Sanina really managed to keep up with the both of them during the semis and in the first half of the final. BUT. During the voting she should have been on stage with Hannah, while Graham should have done the green room interviews. If only so we wouldn’t have gotten those highly cringy ‘talks’ with Loreen during the voting where Julia wasn’t at all able to read the room and kept screaming in Loreen’s face while the latter was trying really hard to keep up her yoga-chill front. Second hand embarrassment aplenty and really the only stain on an otherwise almost flawless set of hosts. Although why Graham had to be there in the first place is anyone’s guess. He’s totes adorbz, don’t get me wrong. There was just no added value in having him there for the final, unless it’s simply to play by the rules of the patriarchy.

The voting

Now for the part that is the actual reason for the title of this post. Not because the voting didn’t go the way I personally wanted to – I’ve been a fan of ESC long enough to know that the time your personal fave wins is more of an exception than the actual rule. It’s always been like that in any kind of voting constellation – jury only, televote only and any kind of version of the two combined – and I’ve lived through all of them.

The topic of canceling juries again is a slippery one at best. That doesn’t mean of course that there are no optimizations to be made. Larger juries than just the current five for one, and more transparency on their criteria. But everyone who has lived through all of the constellations above with me will surely agree that the current system works best in terms of generating a majority of entries each year that are of a certain quality. Which equally means that none of us would even consider going back to a televoting only era where we had a lot of low hanging fruit entries. It would be preferable if we could avoid our unavoidable future re-enactment of Boaty McBoatface.

Of course it’s disappointing to see your fave just miss out on winning but guess what: that’s the name of the game. The intensity with which some fans, perhaps the newer part of the community (question mark?), are lashing out is…worrying, and puts the fan in fanatic. It’s not really a cute look. There are 35+ countries each year and the odds simply can not always be in everyone’s favor. This year’s theme clearly went out the window faster than you could say ‘robbed’.

But what makes this all so bitter and so sweet is that all of this takes away hugely from the history that has been written this year. We have a second two-time winner (as an artist, yeah yeah) and not just any winner: a woman. Of color. Who’s not in her twenties anymore. Eleven years after her first win. In this fickle digital age we live in. Loreen, you are a legend.

The songs

Now that we got that of our chest, it’s time for the main course of this extensive blog post: the songs! What tickled my fancy…and what didn’t? As usual, the live version delivered different results than what the previews held in store! Here are the countries that didn’t manage to sneak their way into the Dimivision top ten:

26. Moldova – This shaman is trippin’ on mushrooms. I’d join him but it doesn’t feel like a trip worth taking. The entire thing is so artificial even the emerging various AI bots were probably collectively going ‘NO’ over this. Also: poor Pasha was so nervous his vocals rivaled young Victor’s from Greece. Hm, did I take it a stretch too far there? No, I didn’t.

25. Lithuania – Monika is a sweetheart, I’m sure. And vocally I have absolutely no qualms at all. On the contrary, it was the one redeeming feature here. Because that song is just not giving at all. Stylistically not my thing, and the good-Christian-girl vibes that are radiating off of this are just too much for my nervous system.

24. Switzerland – Even though the staging was slick and really created a cool atmosphere, and even though Remo Ferrero Forrer sold it for all he’s worth, this just felt a bit too sterile to shake us in our boots. Bonus points for the liquid pants though, nice touch.

23. Ukraine – Speaking of rather sterile: how I wish I could rank this higher, but something about this felt really flat. Besides the vocals, obviously. I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to tell the guys their home town was being attacked right before they went onstage, but they ought to be …erm… fired. Loved the visual approach, sadly didn’t love too much else.

22. Cyprus – Hi, Andrew. I’d declare you my husband-to-be from the class of ’23 but both my besties had called dibs before I even got to moan ‘hello’ at the screen. And when I say ‘called dibs’ I mean they creamed their knickers before you’d even started singing. Visually you were totally convincing, minus the karate outfit which I’m sure has a specific name that I’m too lazy to Google right now, but my main frustration with this entry is in the pre-recorded vocals. There are a few other entries were they are the new steroids but never as glaringly as in this one. I’ll be sure to mention it in my best man non-binary person speech for whichever one of the besties who manages to drag you to the altar.

21. Poland – Bejba, it’s kinda crayzah just how catchy this tune turns out to be. Could have given it to Margaret who would have rocked it, but then the entertainment factor would have been off by one or two tenths. It’s ridiculous in the best way, the Mariah Carey minimal-effort-energy here is delicious – almost a pity she got out-Mariah’d later on in the show. Even the dance break (trend alert!) is somewhat lackluster, love it. Also: I’d like to motion a veto against avatars in ESC performances. Not talking about Abbatars, obviously.

20. Albania – In a surprise turn of events I didn’t mind this one bit. The wailing at the start is a bit much but it’s made up for by some lovely harmonizing further down the line and I love how the visuals really play up the family aspect. Taking off points for the red napkins though, we really don’t need a Mediterranean version of Les Lacs Du Connemara. One of the besties described this as a multifunctional tune for weddings, funerals and circumcisions and I honestly do not know how to top that comment.

19. Italy – Since Andrew is spoken for, I’ll gladly go for Marco as my 2023 ESC husband. Don’t know if I’d like him to sing at our wedding though. Not overly keen on his nasal vocals, especially in the higher register where he comes dangerously close to sounding like a squeezed hamster (disclaimer: reference not based on actual events). Not overly keen on Due Vite either, it feels too been-there-done-that to rattle my cage. I can see and hear the obvious quality, don’t get me wrong. Just not my cup of espresso, with or without lemon.

18. Norway – Serious question: what is ‘her’ name? Why don’t we ever get an answer? It feels like an almost David Lynch kinda mystery. It’s the only Lynchian aspect in this entry though, as it is far more formulaic in composition. It’s the most formulaic of the season even, because it’s the one that sounds most like something non-fans would describe as a typical Eurovision entry. Which is probably why it’s this low on my list, even if it’s perfectly adequate.

17. Estonia – I didn’t know how much I needed a typical ballad that’s impressively belted out to be in a Eurovision final until Alina came on. In a year full of dance breaks and visual tricks it was almost a relief to have some good old clichés in there. Could have done without the walking about and Alina fake playing the piano for a full five seconds. But I’m surprised I didn’t have this in my bottom five. Is my age finally creeping up on me?

16. Israel – I’m gonna say it, so savor it: I was wrong. Wronger than wrong. I never saw this as the contender it turned out to be, not even after that semi performance. Miss Kirel definitely knows how to capture an audience and take the stage, and her confidence and star quality managed to pull together what is still a very mixed entry. None of the multiple parts in the song work together but Noa still sold it for at least triple its combined worth. But sadly I still don’t wanna hear it, nor do I want to see her dance tbh.

15. Serbia – Some people love ASMR. I’m not one of those people. So these vocals kinda rubbed me the wrong way, much like the electronic run-up to the chorus that lasted ten seconds too long. Love the cool vibe of the stage act though, and I appreciate the overall vision and attitude. Don’t even mind the game-style graphics, as they added to the performance. But the overall balance was more meh than I would have guesstimated beforehand.

14. Spain – As much as I am impressed by this I am also kinda overwhelmed by it. Blanca really nails this vocally but the style is really peculiar and just a lot to take in. Rather digging the electronic pulses throughout and the visual concept is striking. Minus the WTF close up of Blanca’s snake trousers. It feels otherworldly and I like it for that reason alone. I just feel I need to lay down to process it.

13. United Kingdom – Probably the inversed version of Spain: a perfectly enjoyable pop tune that doesn’t exactly get lifted by the vocal rendition. Bless Mae’s cheekiness, but she managed to out-lackluster the Polish Blanka and that is quite the achievement. It made it enjoyable for totally different reasons, but it doesn’t exactly boost confidence in the statement that the UK have finally found a new stride at ESC.

12. Portugal – Do I like the song? Not really. But Mimicat and her crew are so on the money in their performance that they manage to sell it for waaaaay more than it’s worth. Bonus points for the dress and the gloves.

11. Armenia – I had this in tenth on the night but I eventually switched it with my original nr. 11. Not because I have any particular qualms with this entry, besides the forced lyrics and questionable enunciation Brunette treated us to. Seriously, it sounds like she’s singing ‘fart on my face’ instead of ‘fire in my veins’. Makes me appreciate the Armenian part even more. But this came across very slick all in all, even with that wannabe Pocahontas outfit.

And now for the points of the Dimivision jury:

1 point: Finland – Käärijä – Cha Cha Cha

I had this in 11th on the night. Then, out of nowhere, my brain decided to Cha Cha Cha at the most unexpected moments in the days after the final. So I’m awarding it one point. I still adore the first part where metal and techno mix ever so gloriously. But I LOATHE the second part where it all turns into Crazy Frog on steroids with vocals that are balancing on the thin side. Seriously: why? I know, I know – it’s crazy, it’s party.

2 points: Slovenia – Joker Out – Carpe Diem

Our (Dutch speaking) Belgian commentator compared this to the likes of Franz Ferdinand and honestly that’s the most sense he’s ever made in all of his years of providing comments. No wonder I like this, even if the verses are somewhat leaving to be desired. And as catchy as the chorus could be, lines like ‘Mi bomo celo noč plesali’ will never sound as easily quotable as the drummer made it out to be. Loved the directional choices here by the way, and the campy winks and nudges only contributed to its top ten position. Bonus points for the shimmery pink pants.

3 points: Croatia – Let 3 – Mama ŠČ!

Krokodilski PSYKOPAT! Will I ever voluntarily listen to this track ever again? Probably not. But have I ever before rolled on the floor with laughter while watching an entry before this came on? Definitely not. The satire is so fingerlicking delicious and I love that they got away with it. It’s so damn OTT and yet so on point I don’t have any other choice than including it in my top ten. Who would’ve thought? Also: I need the lead singers coat. Pronto.

4 points: Austria – Teya & Salena – Who The Hell Is Edgar?

Something is holding me back from rating this even higher and I suspect it’s because the visual presentation, slick as it may be, doesn’t feel very compatible with the song. No idea what would work better, I admit, but surely that half-assed attempt at creating a TikTok dance and the awkward freestyling in the last 30 seconds could be improved upon. No complaints on the vocals however and I do love the choices of words in the projections, especially the all important UGH.  All in all the satirical and critical tone of the entry is what manages to get it into 7th.

5 points: Czechia – Vesna – My Sister’s Crown

Maybe it’s because I was obsessed with the Spice Girls during their glory days but I needed more visual diversity here. If not in the hair style, and  admittedly the long braids were a cool touch, then at least in the outfits. They are different, you say? True, but who could spot that in that light pink? Then at least give me six shades of pink. Much ado about nothing, you say? Somewhat true, and the level of coherence was needed and luckily way beyond what the NF gave us. Vocally decent as well, if somewhat confusing because it was a bit of a mystery who actually sang and who didn’t. Anyway, the song remains one of the strongest in the field, so 5 points it is.

6 points: France – La Zarra – Évidemment

The yearly “that’s soooo not how that entry should have been staged” award goes to France. I know the Linda Wagenmaekers debacle dates from the turning of the century and not everyone was there to live it, but whenever something even comes close to being in the same vein I’m like ‘nope’. Especially with the added bonus of that moving structure. It made for a confusing performance, where nothing added to the song and the performer was confined and visibly uncomfortable. And La Zarra is such a diva on her own that we didn’t really need added levels of uncomfortable. Still love the song, but the performance made it sound empty and it all came across cheesy rather than clever. Dommage. Minus one point for her behavior in the green room. Clearly the concept of being a graceful loser hasn’t been translated into French just yet.

7 points: Belgium – Gustaph – Because Of You

Rainbow power to the max! Loved almost everything about the performance here, especially the inclusion of the live backings in the choreo. I don’t feel like the addition of the dancer was needed, though it did tie in the projected visuals to the actual performance. Stef aka Gustaph is so adorable, and though the nerves had a bit more impact on his vocal performance than in the semi it was still overall impressive. I’m proud we sent an entry that’s this explicitly rainbow-tinted and I’m ever so happy it managed to crack the top 10. Shine on, darling, shine on.

8 points: Sweden – Loreen – Tattoo

I’m actually quite surprised to have this up this high, especially after feeling as though it’s a carbon copy of its predecessor for most of the season. But to my surprise I listen to it more often than I’ve ever listened to Euphoria. And as a performance it grabs me way more than Euphoria ever managed to. Especially love the opening sequence, and then the bridge and the final part of the song where Loreen just simply gets to overwhelm us with all of her power. She’s a witch in the best sense of the word and she’s finally got me under her spell. So worthy of making history.

10 points: Australia – Voyager – Promise

Now this gave me the dose of adrenaline I needed. Everything about this was bang on the money, even the choice of including an actual car on stage. The 80s vibes were tangible and the band’s enthusiasm just seeped through every shot. Bonus points for the guitar solo. Simply awesome.

12 points: Germany – Lord Of The Lost – Blood & Glitter 

Sometimes I’m right on the money. Sometimes I’m not. I never had the illusion that this was going to do very well but it was a bit of a kick in the glittery guts that this ended up in the place were so many German entries have ended up in recent years. This was on another level entirely than its siblings I thought, but I guess  this kind of kitschy metal isn’t to everyone’s taste. I loved the rocky camp factor here, which lifted a rather ordinary chorus to new heights. And though it may have been repeated one too many times in the span of three minutes, it’s so frikkin’ catchy it pops up in my head every half an hour or so. Sweet and bitter, indeed!

All Time Chart

And finally a quick look at the Dimivision all time ranking, where Sweden is right below the 200 threshold, Germany catches up with Norway and Croatia re-enters the top 25. Somewhere out of sight, Australia almost doubled its total score and Czechia even tripled it. Long ways to go yet before coming into the light however!

1             France – 253 (1960 – 1977 – 1991 – 2002 – 2009)
2             Netherlands – 231 (1970 – 1971 – 1993)
3             Belgium – 208 (1968 – 1983 – 1986 – 1990 – 2003)
4             Sweden – 199 (1974 – 2012 – 2018) 
5             Finland – 190 (1962 – 1979 – 1985 – 1988 – 1989 – 2006 – 2007)
6             Italy – 190 (1958 – 1964 – 1978 – 1992 – 2021)
7             Norway – 181 (1966 – 1982 – 2000 – 2013)
8             Germany – 181 (1959 – 1975 – 2011 – 2023)
9             Portugal – 179 (1972 – 1998 – 2017)
10           Spain – 144 (1973 – 2022) 
11           United Kingdom – 135 (1961 – 1965)
12           Ireland – 126 (1969 – 1980 – 1984 – 1996)
13           Israel – 118 (1976)
14           Luxembourg – 107 (1956 – 1967)
15           Turkey – 105
16           Switzerland – 105
17           Denmark – 93 (1957 – 1963 – 2001)
18           Iceland – 89 (1987 – 2019)
19           Greece – 87 (1981)
20           Austria – 82 (2014)
21           Slovenia – 78
22           Estonia – 67 (1999)
23           Bosnia-Herzegovina – 66
24           Russia – 61 (1994)
25           Croatia – 54

Read you in the spring of next year!