This is the end, my friend! Two entries left to review. Plus the impossible task of trying to predict the outcome. Mirror mirror on the wall? Tarot deck or crystal ball? No, I don’t need help: I’m an expert after all. #eurovision #esc22 #esc2022
4. Spain – Chanel – SloMo
The Song: Much like last year, I need some fun out of this year’s contest. And much like last year (with my obsession for Senit), it’s the latino vibes that get me. Loving the beat here, loving the sassy lyrics that drip with Girl Power and loving the clever combinations of English and Spanish. It hardly ever works out as nifty and smooth like it does here.
Standout line: “The queen, the tough one, a Bugatti” Rupaul’s Drag Race contestants could never! Also: my drag name is Flaminga Ferrari. *mental high five*
The Voice: This might be Chanel’s first drop in the music industry, but you’d never guess by looking at/listening to this. Just the way she manages to stay vocally upright with all of that movement going on! The busy choreo does impede with the flow, especially in the second verse where Chanel has to drop a couple of words just to be able to take a breath, which breaks the spell a bit. Also: annunication, table for one – I have a basic understanding of Spanish and even with the lyrics in front of me I get lost because of how many consonants she skips. But I’m nitpicking here.
The Style: Or lack thereof, cause if there’s only one thing they’d need to change versus the NF performance it’s that atrocious catsuit. The choreo is a tad too busy, and I’m wondering if an all-female cast would work better on stage. LOVING the strobe effect during the SloMo bit, does need better camera work there however.
In one line: I haven’t actively loved the Spanish entry since 1995, it was about bloody time.
PERSONAL TOTAL: 
Why it will win: We need this surge of fierceness in our lives.
Why it won’t qualify: SloMo in times of FastFood = no.
Give your own rating for Spain down at the bottom of the page
5. United Kingdom – Sam Ryder – Space Man
The Song: After the announcement that Dua Lipa’s record company would be putting forward the candidate, and after the buzz those first few days after its release, this sounds surprisingly…middle of the road-ish? It’s nice to see the UK make an actual decent effort again, don’t get me wrong. It’s got radio potential and could even turn out to be a hit – it’s got the same vibe as the likes of Espen Lind or Andreas Johnson (can you tell I was a teenager in the late 1900’s?), which bodes well. The build-up and the chorus are quite effective. But, and it’s a big but, those lyrics… Cringey much? The ‘spaceman/space man/space, man’ pun went past its best before date in those same late 1900’s, if not earlier, and the rest isn’t much better tbh.
Standout line: “Been down some black holes” Me too, Sam, me too.
The Voice: The live versions I’ve heard so far are way better than I had feared, but some of those high notes were quite pitchy and only mildly acceptable. He really needs to nail those in Turin, otherwise it’ll be dead in the water before you can say ‘nil points’.
The Style: Come to think of it, we haven’t had a large share of hipsters in the recent past – feels almost disproportionate vis-à-vis real life. I’m digging the look, actually. But please do better than that beige outfit from the previews. Also: a truck load of space images will seal the deal nicely I think.
In one line: Babylon Zoo called, they want their Spaceman back.
PERSONAL TOTAL:
Why it will win: The Spaceman pun isn’t quite as out of date as I think it is.
Why it won’t win: Whatever the reason, it won’t be because of the B-word. It’s been more than two years now, find a different excuse for a flop. OK, UK?
Give your own rating for UK down at the bottom of the page.
So… Who gets the final douze? And who will lift the trophy on May 14th?
What do the bookies say?
- Ukraine
- Italy
- Sweden
- UK
- Spain
- Poland
- Greece
- Norway
- Netherlands
- Australia
Some observations:
- Having Ukraine at the top is no surprise. From a human perspective it’s totally understandable, and they’ll probably trample everyone in the televoting. But I’d prefer not to see them take the trophy, tbh. Even if the ESC is rooted in peace(keeping), it would defy its nature of being a Song Contest. And quite frankly I am still recovering from my Jamala hangover. Though admittedly the guys from Kalush have a less annoying total package on offer to begin with.
- Having Italy and Sweden up there isn’t surprising in the slightest, and they will probably end up top 5. I’ve had winner vibes with Italy from the moment it got selected, and I’ll still be very surprised if they don’t take the double. Sweden raking up their seventh victory would make for a nice headline as well.
- Surprised to see Greece that high up, and Netherlands that far down. The former can kiss their lucky stars if they manage to sneak into the top ten, from where I’m sitting. Whereas I’ll probably eat one of my wigs if Netherlands doesn’t make top 5 in the final. I’m even considering them a dark horse for the win.
- UK top 5? I’ll believe it when I see it.
- Who’s missing here? In other words: what could be that typical sleeper that suddenly skyrockets during rehearsals? If I had to put a bet right now, I’d probably go for Albania, which currently sits at an anonymous 21st.
Dimivision’s douze
It took us 14 installments to get here, but finally we get to compose an actual top ten. Funnily enough my Spotify is burping out ‘Eurovision’ by Telex as I’m writing this – que le meilleur gagne, indeed!
Before we get to my top ten however, here’s a tiny confession (of a drag queen): my long distance thing came to a sudden halt right before Easter and suddenly a couple of entries this year sound vastly different. I must have purposefully ignored some lyrics, being in denial that we were heading for a fall. But now I find myself listening to entries that touch me in a different way than before – especially the Swedish entry hits Hard with a capital H. This causes a discrepancy between the previous allotted stars and the top ten I’m about to announce. Just saying.
Anyway, that being said… Here are the results of the Dimivision jury:
1 point goes to Italy
2 points go to Australia
3 points go to Sweden
4 points go to France
5 points go to Czechia
6 points go to Netherlands
7 points go to Iceland
8 points go to Ireland
10 points go to Spain
12 points go to Lithuania
I have no illusion at all that my douze will do well in Turin, so I’m crossing fingers for Spain to finally do well again and take the trophy. After all…
Bring it on!
HAPPY EUROVISION!!
FINAL DIMIVISION STANDINGS
LITHUANIA
NETHERLANDS – PORTUGAL – ICELAND – AUSTRALIA – IRELAND – CZECHIA – ITALY – FRANCE – SPAIN – SWEDEN
ALBANIA – UKRAINE – CROATIA – AUSTRIA – NORWAY – SERBIA – GEORGIA – SAN MARINO – CYPRUS – ESTONIA – ROMANIA – ARMENIA
LATVIA – SWITZERLAND – SLOVENIA – DENMARK – GREECE – FINLAND – ISRAEL – NORTH MACEDONIA – POLAND – BELGIUM – GERMANY – UNITED KINGDOM
BULGARIA – MOLDOVA – AZERBAIJAN – MALTA – MONTENEGRO
Tomorrow: Spain & UK + final standings!
Dimivision 