Eurovision 2024 Previews Part 2: Ireland, Ukraine & Poland

Part two of this year’s previews and I only have two words for you: brace yourself. For various reasons. Also: maybe invest in some earplugs. Also for various reasons. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

4. Ireland – Bambie Thug – Doomsday Blue

The Song: This is not a song as much as it is a collection of soundbites that happened to end up on the same track. It’s more of a statement than a song. There are some cool bits in there, and the mix of soft and hard is quite intriguing. It’s just a lot to take in. Like, a lot a lot.

Standout line: “Avada Kedavra, the thoughts in my head” I guess that’s one way to try and stop overthinking.

The Voice: Eimear Quinn they are not. I was slightly traumatized after hearing this for the first time and remembered it being off-key all the way through, so imagine my surprise to discover upon a second attempt that the non-chorus bits are actually quite okay. But the screeching just makes everything fall away and is testing my last nerve. I feel I need to cast a Patronus charm to protect my soul from getting sucked out.

The Style: No complaints about the visual presentation. More is more when it comes to being freaky, and the clash between hard and soft elements really helps to tie the song ever so slightly more together.

In one line: Bambie On Ice.
PERSONAL TOTAL:
Why it will qualify: Out of the box? Fuck the box!
Why it won’t qualify:  Don’t look inside the box.
Qualifier? It’ll probably be a doomsday on Tuesday. Nope.
Winner? Not even if all 36 other entries were suddenly withdrawn.

5. Ukraine – Alyona Alyona & Jerry Heil – Teresa & Maria

The Song: I would like to speak to a manager please, because this does not deliver what the first verse promises. How do we dissolve so quickly from that dark, captivating mood into a hymn about two catholic figures that are supposed to be inspirational while one of them is questionable at best? I’ve got my own dark issues with religion, so the solemn vibe here really puts me off and that’s even before we get to the rap part. What is this even trying to be or do, other than going for the jugular? I’m not trying to be cynical here, as the war in Ukraine is cynical enough as it is. But do we really need a hymn like this to underline the suffering? It makes the suffering even bigger. I kinda got the support and victory for Ukraine in 2022, as it felt organic enough. This on the other hand feels  calculated and cold. Opium for the masses. The fact that you can’t even look for a Eurovision video on Youtube without having this as a top result because of sponsoring only makes it worse.

Standout line:  “All the Divas were born as a human being” I know, right? *flicks fake hair like in a shampoo commercial*

The Voice: Not my biggest qualm here, even if the vocals in the NF were somewhat shaky in most parts of the song and the rap bits were average at best. Hm, re-reading that I guess my qualms are qualming all over the place.

The Style: This portion of the equation almost never fails for Ukraine. Almost. *glares at Gaitana* And there’s not a lot that can go wrong here anyway: dipped in black, a sea of candles and we’re good to go. If there are glass stained windows in the projections I might scream. Maybe we need a catholic themed bingo card for this one.

In one line: Sing hallelujah, SING IT!
PERSONAL TOTAL:
Why it will qualify: It’s Ukraine and they’re unfortunately still in a precarious position.
Why it won’t qualify: Mother Teresa is in hell and makes it freeze over.
Qualifier? Unfortunately, yes.
Winner? It’s not impossible but I sure hope the fuck not. Though it would complete the Holy Trinity of Why Did They Have To Win With This, joining Jamala and Kalush Orchestra.

6. Poland – Luna – The Tower

The Song: Perfectly pleasant and also slightly irritatingly middle of the road. It sounds like something that Ellie Goulding could’ve released ten years ago while simultaneously sounding like something that would end up seventh in Andra Chansen. Generic enough to not irritate you, but too generic to be memorable enough to vote for. Though I am digging the tone of self confidence in the lyrics. As long as said tower isn’t Barad Dûr, of course.

Standout line: “Could it be that I’m the fool”  *Gandalf voice* Fly, you fool!

The Voice: Haven’t heard a live rendition as of yet, so who knows. The vocals sound on the fragile side in the studio version, but maybe Luna can make good on all the experience her bio on the official website promises. Let’s hope there’ll be no need for Ellie Goulding comparisons in the post-ESC review.

The Style: The video is quite nice so if the stage act comes from the same creative brains we’re in for a treat. I’d suggest to not look at France 2023 as a benchmark. Hashtag justsaying.

In one line: Vat eez peh würr (what is power)? (click to view, as from 0.48)
PERSONAL TOTAL:
Why it will qualify: It’s perfectly pleasant.
Why it won’t qualify: It’s just there.
Qualifier? Leaning towards yes.
Winner? Mid field at best.

CURRENT DIMIVISION STANDINGS

LITHUANIA

  POLAND

  CYPRUS – SERBIA

IRELAND – UKRAINE

Tomorrow: Croatia, Iceland & Slovenia